When you have to reflect on who is in your life and realize there is less than a handful who you should keep in it. I have been telling myself since graduating high school only to keep the people who are good for me in my life. Then I looked around me and realized I had only thought I was following through on this mentality. Instead of surrounding myself with people who sincerely care or at least give half a shit, I surrounded myself with people who added more reason to be paranoid. The good people in my life, I feel like I can never connect with anymore. We have a few awesome comments back and forth, and then it is done. Everyone is getting busy with their own life, and that is great. It also doesn't help that none of the good people live anywhere near me, and if they live close they are so busy with their own lives that scheduling fun time never works for either of us. I am lucky that I live with my best of good people in my life or I may go insane.
So what happened to make me come to this realization? Nothing recent, that's for sure. All of the stuff that is compelling me to add more distance happened, at minimum, over two months ago. I have never been pro at reflecting on and understanding these sorts of things in my life until I am already at this point. What sucks the most, is any sort of satisfying conclusion to any of this is now so far out of reach that the best I can do is just slowly cut off contact. Not that I want some huge dramatic scene or anything, but it would be nice to be able to feel as if expressing any of these thoughts or feelings to the offenders would do any good.
The first hit was finding out someone I was already skeptical about was just as bad as I thought they were. Not only did they actually dislike me, but they were openly talking about how bad of a person I was to anyone who would listen. This was all found out from a friend who devised this third grade gossip scheme via text messages. The second was- instead of that friend being there to defend me, they lead the other person on to continue so they could have more gossip. I mean fine whatever I guess, but it would have been nice to have someone stand up for me. Someone to say, "No, Kirsten isn't a bitch. She isn't an awful person." Instead of agreeing. I feel like I will never know how either of them actually feel about me now, and it does hurt. It sucks to realize the people you held so dear for so long could so easily put you aside. Then I find out this same friend who claimed they were defending me was actually talking about how lazy I was and how I never do anything. Awesome. I do not think I am lazy, maybe I am just to lazy to realize I am though. But I really sincerely do believe I do things. I mean I go to school, do all the house work and work odd jobs. That isn't too lazy I don't think. I guess it isn't every day so maybe in some people's opinions it is.
Now correct me if I am wrong. I might just be talking myself out of saying something because I am chicken or whatever, but I feel like saying something would be pointless. All it would result in would be "that isn't what I meant" and "if it had bothered you, why did you wait so long to say something?" and then they would be pissed off and all of this would be my fault and I would just be labeled as a petty bitch who can't let things go. Maybe I do have a problem letting things go, but it is because I cared. If something upset me enough to where I got upset, it was that important to me to upset me. I don't get upset over every little thing, I have never been that type. But if someone I cared about hurts me, yeah. I get upset. Yeah, I think about it for a while and yeah I have a hard time letting it go when I will never get clarification. Then you sit there and feel like an idiot and wonder if you were the only one who gave a rat's ass. You sit there and wonder if you are the only one who thinks about the other and wonder why it took you so long to realize you were never important to them.
Since then there have been arguments in my group of friends that I did not think I was going to be hurt from. Instead, someone I used to talk to daily barely ever speaks, someone I spoke to on occasion is even more scarce and I feel like any remaining solidity in my friend-sphere was blown to subatomic pieces. It's all the same though I suppose. It isn't often when someone comes so quickly into your life that they don't leave just as quickly. It sucks though when you really thought you had something. Then it makes you even more paranoid about the relationships you still have. If you screwed up every other one in the past, when will the next have its turn? What's the worst, well some of the worst of it, is that I will never know the truth. I will never know who really feels which way or what value I hold to them. It is time to learn that sometimes words really mean nothing if there is no honesty behind it. I am hopeful for a future where the good people in my life will be easier to talk to. I hate how awkward I am with conversations. I get so nervous that I usually shut down mentally and just switch into business mode and talk about school or work or something equally impersonal.
On a happier note I am liking online classes very much. It is so much more work than in person which makes sense now. If you go to lectures every day, they tell you what you need to know. If you are your teacher, you have to read and research to figure your shit out. There is as much busy work as there is real work. I really like it though. I love being able to get to the work when I am ready. If I can't fall asleep until the sun is high in the sky, it doesn't mean I will be half awake in class in two hours, it means I do the work when I wake up and can concentrate. Needless to say, my grades are looking pretty pro at the moment and I am not seeing that change anytime. I am likely graduating with my Associates degree next semester. I may end up doing summer if taking 18 credits will result in too much conflict, but I will see what needs to be done. Either way I am done by fall and will hopefully transfer to another four year university (North Central College possibly?) to pursue my teaching certificate. I need to take a loan out soon so that I can pay back my lovely for spotting me for this semester and so that I can afford the next one (or two) semester[s].
I finally have some income judging debate tournaments so I do not have to depend on Avon. As nice as it was to have the money I made from it, it is damn near impossible to make a profit when people do not pay you and you end up paying late payment fees on your order with money you don't have because you need to pay your stupid loan and other bills...yeah. That is the fun in depending on people. You get fucked over.
Youmacon kind of failed so that bums me out. I was really looking forward to going, but it just won't work. It is not worth it to anyone to car pool with Brandie and I since we would result in only one day at the convention. It irritated me how people got pissed off about this. I cannot put extra hours in a day. Spending that much money for one day sounds fun and stuff, until you take into consideration that money is limited. Neither of us have the luxury of living with family to where we do not have to pay thousands a year in bills. Neither of us have the convenience of a steady paying job so that we can be guaranteed enough fun money to have with still being able to buy groceries or afford rent 4 months from now. Instead, we are treated like screw ups who were trying to screw people over last minute because heaven forbid we don't fit into a nice neat little schedule anymore. Do I wish I could go and have fun? No. Of course not. I much prefer sitting at home and cleaning that sticky thing out of the carpet.
And now to top it all off, I have "Call me Maybe" stuck in my head. I don't even know any of that song minus the chorus that I heard on tv one time! Though I do like the memes about it. Quite frankly I am indifferent about the song. It is catchy, obviously. I feel like the lyrics are a bit creepy (the ones I do know) though that is kind of how it works (chorus wise again). I mean you don't just magically have known a person for years, you need to make the initial exchange of information in order to try to form a bond with another person and in this time and age that usually includes phone numbers. So when I meet someone and we exchange information, does that make me a stalker? Am I a stalker? Have I stalked all of you? Well huh. I guess I have. Call me, maybe?
Listening to: Toucha Toucha Touch Me
Reading: The Cain Saga
Drinking: Simply Apple- Apple Juice